"And I have felt a presence that disturbs me with the joy "

"Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime Of something far more deeply interfused, Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns, And the round ocean, and the living air, And the blue sky, and in the mind of man, A motion and a spirit, that impels All thinking things, all objects of all thought, And rolls through all things. From Lines Written A Few Miles Above the Tintern Abbey..." -William Wordsworth

And What Do I Do Now…

Posted on Sep 30, 2014 in Journal | 0 comments

The little word "DO" is the problem.   A lot of the time I do not know what to "do"…. instead I feel lost, paralyzed, stuck… and the list could go on.  I'm not sure most people understand what I mean when I say I feel "paralyzed"… but I know it is an accurate word cause I've heard people from the grief support group use the same word to describe themselves. It has been almost two years since Matthew died… about four months since my mom died.   I was concerned how I would do after Mama died… after Matthew's death I still had my mom to care for… and although emotionally I was not "present" somewhat and dealing with that same "paralyzed" feeling… I still had to physically take care of my mom. I  thought I was doing pretty good right after my mom died…  I had my projects… well, one big project… redoing the downstairs bedroom that had been my mom's for the last three and a half years.  After finishing that  the paralyzed feeling set in… I would tell myself to keep busy… "heart follows hands"… but what to do when my mind feels completely disengaged… when it feels overwhelming just to think and make a decision about what to do…. when all I really want to do is lay on the couch like it was a womb. The above was written in February of 2014... Read More

More of the Same

Posted on Jan 18, 2014 in Journal | 0 comments

I skimmed through my last post which was in March of this year.  I talked about all the things I did around the house after Matthew died…. it helped to immerse myself in projects… to keep busy. And here I am…. doing the same thing…. redoing the only room that had not been touched….  our bedroom downstairs.  It was Mama's room for three and a half years…. till she died in it on Oct 6 of this year…. just a little over a month ago. So now I've painted the ceiling and the walls… and we'll put a new floor down tomorrow.  It'll be ready to move back into in a few days…. the last of my big projects... The projects do help but when it is quiet I miss Matthew horribly and now I miss my mom too.  There are little things everywhere that remind me of them. Read More


Posted on Mar 13, 2013 in Journal | 0 comments

I actually wrote this more than a week ago... but didn't make it public till March 13, 2013... my birthday... ******* Matthew has (I probably should have said "had" but it hurts so much sometimes to remember Matthew in the past) a folder in his website GimpGuy.com called "Ramblings of a Disabled Geek"...  He had just revamped his website... completely redoing it.  He didn't (there is that "past tense word again"  have time to start filling it with his ramblings.  I had told him to start writing in it but it just never happened... too much bad stuff going on most of the time.  But he did have one "Rambling" that was from his heart and gut.. and directed at me his mom.  I cried when I first read it... it still touches me... as it is authentic Matthew... real... as only Matthew could express his feelings. And so I am... this particular day... gonna ramble on for a while.  Don't know why I don't do it regularly cause I know it is good therapy for me to write out my feelings.  But to be honest.. I haven't "felt" like much this whole past year.  I do so run on feelings... just hardwired that way... but I have tried very hard to remember something a friend told me... "heart follows hands".... just do it anyway and your heart will catch up.  It has worked more often than not... but sometimes I feel just so lost that not anything can help except ride it out... those feelings don't last too long... thank goodness. Read More

Playing with my Mind

Posted on Dec 23, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

I'm up early... Mama slept all night so I slept good too.  Woke up before 6:00 am and decided to make coffee, sit in bed, listen to music and knit.  I'm knitting dish cloths.... it's pretty mindless, but keeps the hands busy, and I have something useful to show for my work.  It has been an essential part of how I get through the days. My sister and niece arrive later today.  They are spending the week of Christmas with us.  Tony's sister wanted us to come home but I just cannot take Mama home... not now... probably never.  She gets really anxious when away from our house... her home now.  Anyway... Tony and I are glad not to be alone this Christmas.  I know  the holidays are hard when you've lost a loved one, especially during that first year. Read More

Every Day the Same

Posted on Dec 17, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

It's after 10:00 pm... I'm in bed.  Hiro Puppy is in his little bed in my bed.  Tony's in another bedroom sleeping.   Mama is walking around whining and moaning some downstairs.  In a little while I'll go downstairs and put her back in bed.  I gave her an extra half of her anxiety medicine just before getting her into bed.  Need to take her to her doctor sometime soon... to discuss her general condition and the fact that the anxiety pills aren't working all that great... at least some of the time.  I can give it to her and three hours later she is still whining and moaning... it drives Tony crazy and eventually pushes me to the breaking point.  It's the same every day, every night. Read More