Today was NOT a good day!!!

Posted on Dec 28, 2011 in Journal | 0 comments

I am exhausted… totally mentally exhausted.  It’s been one of those rare days…. thank God they are few…. that my mom has worn me out!

A trip to Costco with my mom…. my mom going through 8 – 10 Depends panties… her whining and being scared about being by herself…… it has brought me to the edge of sanity!!!  No patience left.

Thank God… she is now in bed… hopefully she will get to sleep soon.

All I want to do is SIT and do nothing.

I hate these kinds of days.  I try to keep from having them.  I shouldn’t have gone to CostCo today.  I knew she was having a little bit of diarrhea.

What am I supposed to do when I need to go somewhere?   Most of the time she is just fine… but today was the exception.

I don’t know what else to say.  I’m whooped!

Why Did I Do It??

Posted on Dec 2, 2011 in Journal | 1 comment

I hadn’t had a cigarette for over two months till the other day….   I had been quite amazed how “easy” it has been not to smoke…  but then … just like that… I slipped out of the house Sunday night around 10:00 and drove to the nearby Seven Eleven and paid $10.00 for a pack of cigarettes… came home and smoked two… threw them away….. and repeated this pattern the next night.  That’s $20 for 4 cigarettes… wow… $5.00 a smoke…. isn’t that insane!!!

Why did I do it?

Well, let me go back and figure it out.

We went to Matthew’s Sunday afternoon to change his dressings… this is the dread of the week for him and me.  It takes forever, is very painful for Matthew… and brings us face to face with the skin disease he (we) have been battling for 32 years.

Anyway… Matthew soaked his arm in water with a very small amount of bleach… this is the arm that he had the cancer dug out of in July…. it is like raw skin… and is healing very slowly….  Anyway… it was especially painful to put his arm in the water… the look on his face just broke my heart… but he did it and we bandaged the arm… and finished up.   Just as I was leaving his house I noticed he had his head down and was crying a little.  I asked him what was the matter and he told me his arm hurt.

That is one reason for the cigarettes.   After all these years it still totally breaks my heart to see the pain Matthew goes through… and to know that there is very little I can do.   Matthew tends to get over it and carry on… but I hold this sorrow and it turns into depression and colors my whole life it seems.

Another reason for the cigarettes…. I had planned a trip home to Mobile with my Mom…. she gets homesick and “wants to go home”.  It has been over a year since our last visit so I thought this would be a good thing.  But as time grew nearer for the trip I began to get very anxious…  what if Mama is so confused and anxious that I have to spend all my energy calming her down… what about the plane ride… what if she pees or poops in her depend panties.   And I realized I won’t have any time for myself… I can’t go off and take pictures like I usually do.    And I had told Mama about our trip and she was anxious about it.   I made the mistake of telling her how much the airline tickets cost…. and she kept saying that was too much money…. that I should call Raymie to come get us.  I kept trying to explain how far away we were from Mobile… but she never comprehends that.    It was kind of funny though…. every time she asked me how much the tickets cost… I dropped the price.  It started at $365 and eventually I told her it cost $20 for both of us.  She thought that was too high a price.   I just have to laugh!!!

To make matters worse we had to get up at 3:00 a.m. to catch a 6:00 a.m. flight.  How am I gonna get her up in the middle of the night??  Well, she woke up at 2:00 a.m. and since I hadn’t slept any anyway, I decided to just get her dressed and fed then.  Actually it was a good idea.  She was calm and cooperative.

Well… things went well at the Seattle airport.   We had someone wheelchair my mom through the check points and all the way to the gate where we caught the plane.  Super!   I asked the girl how much I owed her… if I was suppose to tip her… hell, I didn’t know.  She said no and hoped we had a good trip.  That was very sweet of her.  I should have tipped her but I was pretty anxious and not thinking straight.

We boarded the plane… no problem… Mama wasn’t scared or anything… but shortly after the flight started… her legs began to twitch uncontrollably… It’s restless leg  condition…. (I have it too at times and especially on airplanes so I knew how miserable it can be)…  Mama calls it  ”jibbly legs”…  I’ve got the jibbly legs.    Anyway… this lasted the whole 4 hours to Atlanta.  We walked back and forth to the restroom, massaged her legs… but nothing really helped.   She even takes medicine for this but it did not help this time.  I felt so bad for her.

By the time we got to Mobile… I had worked myself into a frenzy… I was just so glad that the plane ride was over….

Liz picked us up at the airport…. first thing I did was ask her if we can stop at a store so I can get a coke…. we did… and I bought a pack of cigarettes…. nice that they were about $5.00 instead of $10.00.   When we got to Cissy and Ted’s house I pretty much broke down.  I was pretty dazed and tired and hadn’t slept the night before.  I was pretty out of it.   All I wanted was to smoke a cigarette… and I did.

Things calmed down… rather I calmed down.  But there is still a pack of cigarettes laying around.  Cissy and I stopped smoking together… and I know it’s a weakness when we get together… that I’m more inclined to smoke.  Weird I know… what is it… social smoking like social drinking.

Anyway…. we’ve been staying at Cissy and Teds for three nights now.  I am feeling much better.  Mama is good for the most part.  Towards evening she says she wants to go home… home to where Tony is…. and that makes me feel real good…. that she thinks of our house in Seattle as home now.  She has said she wants to go to her home in Grand Bay but I just tell her the electricity was turned off when she moved to her new home in Seattle.  She buys it!!!

I have had a most peaceful time… sitting and knitting.  Yesterday Mama and I sat outside as the day warmed up…. just beautiful…. just sat outside in December and listened to music as I knit and Mama kind of dozed in her chair outside.  I am pleased  that I have no real urge to smoke.  I must admit that I have had a few but  I am not gonna beat myself up over it.  I really don’t think I’ll start the habit again when I get back home.   And I am trying not to think about smoking while here either.

I know….. this entry should end on a high note….  ”I’ll never have another cigarette… never.”  But the most I can do is keep myself centered and take this one day at a time.  Bad habits die hard!!

This Is My Life : )

Posted on Nov 24, 2011 in Journal | 0 comments

There have been quite a few changes in my life the last couple of years.  I went from employed to unemployed to caring for my mom.  I used to hike and take pictures… now I knit and read.  Hell… I’ve even cleaned the dust off my sewing machine… thinking to do some sewing… a craft project I’ve had sitting around for a year.

I may have hit a new low… last weekend  Tony and I went with some friends (a friend of his recently joined the Masons) to an “All you can eat… steak and crab” fund raiser at the Shriners meeting hall.  We were surrounded by really OLD people but after a couple of drinks we very much enjoyed ourselves.  Did I actually say that…. that I had a good time at an old folks get together.   OMG!!!

Funny thing is I don’t feel old… I still have lots of life in me.

I do miss long hikes and the photography that went along with it…. I miss being able to go out when I want to…. not being as “free” as I used to be.  We recently bought a pop up camper… we used it once and now it’s put up till next spring.   We can’ take Mama camping in the cold weather… and can’t afford to have Sandi stay with her too often.  Besides… Mama gets very anxious when I’m gone.  I don’t know how Liz survived caring for Mama this past summer when we went to Alaska and then to take Matthew to Stanford.

I’m rambling…. I enjoy knitting…. it gives me permission to just sit cause I’m still doing something.  Knitting is meditative and keeps my mind from motoring a hundred mph.

Something else I like these days is being in the kitchen… that is… for the most part.  Tony even got me an apron so I won’t get stains on my shirts.  Today Mama and I prepped for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow…  and now I’m so tired and my back hurts.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday cause it’s the least materialistic of holidays and brings that spirit of appreciation to the front burner.   What I don’t like is having to cook all day… spend 30 minutes eating… and then having to clean up.   But it will be nice.  Matthew will come over…. he only comes over to our house on holidays…. we eat and then go back to his apartment and watch a movie or whatever.  He says our house isn’t very wheelchair friendly… I can buy that.

Mama is anxious tonight… just out of the blue… worried about this or that.  That’s why I’m up at midnight writing…. I’m waiting for her to get back to sleep before I go upstairs to sleep.

Mama and I are going home for a visit next Tuesday.  Looking forward to it.  I’ll take Mama around visiting.  Cissy, Liz, Mama and I are gonna make crafts to give at Christmas time (my least favorite holiday).

OH… NO CIGARETTES FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS!!!!    I can’t let my guard down though… It’s nights like this one that I’d love to have one…. but I’m being good.

Taking a Drive

Posted on Oct 22, 2011 in Journal | 2 comments

Waterfall on the side of the road

We had planned on going camping this weekend… Tony had a long weekend finally…but it was raining and the forecast didn’t look good the whole weekend.  And Tony got drafted to work “Occupy Seattle” today.  So… being as I needed a break from the “ordinary” we decided to go for a drive up the North Cascade Hwy.  We got a late start… like around 12:30… but I said what the heck… we didn’t have anything else to do.  Mama enjoys going on drives out in the country/mountains so I knew she would enjoy seeing all the autumn leaves… all the reds and golds.

So we stopped at Tully’s… got some coffee and headed out.  It was beautiful!!  The higher we got in the mountains, the more color we saw… and waterfalls along the highway from the rain.  It was gorgeous!!

Mama did fine… we enjoyed a nice lunch along the way… and Mama commented when she saw something she liked.  After our lunch I drove and Tony… being Tony laid his seat back and catnapped.  I would stop along the road wherever I saw a pretty sight… run out in the drizzling rain to get a picture.  That is my idea of fun!!!

On the way home it was getting late… getting dark… and Mama’s “sundowning” started.  Sundowning is when those with alzheimers get anxious, worried, fretful… it’s a strange thing but it happens quite regularly… especially when Mama is out and about in the early evening.  Anyway…Thank God Tony has a sense of humor and we both find it quite comical to a point with what Mama says during times like this.

“Tony… slow down.. if you get a ticket I’m not gonna pay it.”

“The people at that house are gonna worry where I am.”

“Where’s Marie?”   I’m right here Mama… in the front seat.

“It can’t be this far from Moss Point to Grand Bay.  Are we on the right road?”

“I’m scared.”

“I really think we’re going the wrong way.”

Over and over she would say these things.

Finally we made it home… after our SEVEN hour drive.  Tony is a trooper for going along with me on things.  I know his idea of a drive was like two to three hours.  He had planned to make peach cobbler when we got back… but I knew it would be too late for that… He does make a mean peach cobbler though.

Now… Tony is working the “Occupy Seattle” event.  I’m vacuming (I never can spell that word right)… cleaning house.  And Mama is still sleeping.  It took her a while to feel “normal” after the long day on the road… so it took her a while to get to sleep.

Anyway… a nice break from the routine.  It reminded me how years ago when Matthew was little, we’d go on drives and we’d talk and laugh together… get Tony to tell funny stories.  Very nice!!

That’s about it… back to cleaning… which doesn’t seem like such a chore since I got to recharge my battery a little.

I love scenes like this!!

!@#$%^&*(……. OMG did I want a cigarette tonight!!

Posted on Oct 19, 2011 in Journal | 0 comments

Matthew is going to his annual Blizz Con convention tomorrow…. flying to Annaheim with his friend for a long weekend there.  So… we needed to help Matthew with his shower… help him pack… all that stuff.   I have to say (and Matthew would agree with me) that shower time is the most dreaded and stressful and painful (painful for Matthew… painful for me cause I hate it when he hurts) event of the week.

It takes forever it seems… like 5 – 6 hours… really!

I bring Mama with me and we find documentaries for her to watch on Netflix.  Tonight she watched March of the Penguins.  I played two or three more documentaries but all Mama wanted to do was to go home.  She’d come ask me when we were going and why we couldn’t go right now.  Then she was frantic cause she couldn’t find her keys (to her car).

Right in the middle of this was when I wanted to stop the show and just have a cigarette… it’s the first time I really wanted one… but the urge didn’t last for long.  I popped a nicorette lozenge in my mouth and was ok after that.  My brain thinks it is a grand substitute for a cigarette so don’t tell it anything different!!!!

Finally finished and Mama and I came home… immediately she was calm and comfortable…. thank goodness!!!

I hope Matthew has a great weekend down in Annaheim…. and I hope we have a good weekend too.  We are taking Mama camping in the new pop up camper.  I’m sure that will be an adventure.  We’ll see!!