Why Did I Do It??

Posted by on Dec 2, 2011 in Journal | 1 comment

I hadn't had a cigarette for over two months till the other day....   I had been quite amazed how "easy" it has been not to smoke...  but then ... just like that... I slipped out of the house Sunday night around 10:00 and drove to the nearby Seven Eleven and paid $10.00 for a pack of cigarettes... came home and smoked two... threw them away..... and repeated this pattern the next night.  That's $20 for 4 cigarettes... wow... $5.00 a smoke.... isn't that insane!!! Why did I do it? Well, let me go back and figure it out. We went to Matthew's Sunday afternoon to change his dressings... this is the dread of the week for him and me.  It takes forever, is very painful for Matthew... and brings us face to face with the skin disease he (we) have been battling for 32 years. Anyway... Matthew soaked his arm in water with a very small amount of bleach... this is the arm that he had the cancer dug out of in July.... it is like raw skin... and is healing very slowly....  Anyway... it was especially painful to put his arm in the water... the look on his face just broke my heart... but he did it and we bandaged the arm... and finished up.   Just as I was leaving his house I noticed he had his head down and was crying a little.  I asked him what was the matter and he told me his arm hurt. That is one reason for the cigarettes.   After all these years it still totally breaks my heart to see the pain Matthew goes through... and to know that there is very little I can do.   Matthew tends to get over it and carry on... but I hold this sorrow and it turns into depression and colors my whole life it seems. Another reason for the cigarettes.... I had planned a trip home to Mobile with my Mom.... she gets homesick and "wants to go home".  It has been over a year since our last visit so I thought this would be a good thing.  But as time grew nearer for the trip I began to get very anxious...  what if Mama is so confused and anxious that I have to spend all my energy calming her down... what about the plane ride... what if she pees or poops in her depend panties.   And I realized I won't have any time for myself... I can't go off and take pictures like I usually do.    And I had told Mama about our trip and she was anxious about it.   I made the mistake of telling her how much the airline tickets cost.... and she kept saying that was too much money.... that I should call Raymie to come get us.  I kept trying to explain how far away we were from Mobile... but she never comprehends that.    It was kind of funny though.... every time she asked me how much the tickets cost... I dropped the price.  It started at $365 and eventually I told her it cost $20 for both of us.  She thought that was too high a price.   I just have to laugh!!! To make matters worse we had to get up at 3:00 a.m. to catch a 6:00 a.m. flight.  How am I gonna get her up in the middle of the night??  Well, she woke up at 2:00 a.m. and since I hadn't slept any anyway, I decided to just get her dressed and fed then.  Actually it was a good idea.  She was calm and cooperative. Well... things went well at the Seattle airport.   We had someone wheelchair my mom through the check points and all the way to the gate where we caught the plane.  Super!   I asked the girl how much I owed her... if I was suppose to tip her... hell, I didn't know.  She said no and hoped we had a good trip.  That was very sweet of her.  I should have tipped her but I was pretty anxious and not thinking straight. We boarded the plane... no problem... Mama wasn't scared or anything... but shortly after the flight started... her legs began to twitch uncontrollably... It's restless leg  condition.... (I have it too at times and especially on airplanes so I knew how miserable it can be)...  Mama calls it  "jibbly legs"...  I've got the jibbly legs.    Anyway... this lasted the whole 4 hours to Atlanta.  We walked back and forth to the restroom, massaged her legs... but nothing really helped.   She even takes medicine for this but it did not help this time.  I felt so bad for her. By the time we got to Mobile... I had worked myself into a frenzy... I was just so glad that the plane ride was over.... Liz picked us up at the airport.... first thing I did was ask her if we can stop at a store so I can get a coke.... we did... and I bought a pack of cigarettes.... nice that they were about $5.00 instead of $10.00.   When we got to Cissy and Ted's house I pretty much broke down.  I was pretty dazed and tired and hadn't slept the night before.  I was pretty out of it.   All I wanted was to smoke a cigarette... and I did. Things calmed down... rather I calmed down.  But there is still a pack of cigarettes laying around.  Cissy and I stopped smoking together... and I know it's a weakness when we get together... that I'm more inclined to smoke.  Weird I know... what is it... social smoking like social drinking. Anyway.... we've been staying at Cissy and Teds for three nights now.  I am feeling much better.  Mama is good for the most part.  Towards evening she says she wants to go home... home to where Tony is.... and that makes me feel real good.... that she thinks of our house in Seattle as home now.  She has said she wants to go to her home in Grand Bay but I just tell her the electricity was turned off when she moved to her new home in Seattle.  She buys it!!! I have had a most peaceful time... sitting and knitting.  Yesterday Mama and I sat outside as the day warmed up.... just beautiful.... just sat outside in December and listened to music as I knit and Mama kind of dozed in her chair outside.  I am pleased  that I have no real urge to smoke.  I must admit that I have had a few but  I am not gonna beat myself up over it.  I really don't think I'll start the habit again when I get back home.   And I am trying not to think about smoking while here either. I know..... this entry should end on a high note....  "I'll never have another cigarette... never."  But the most I can do is keep myself centered and take this one day at a time.  Bad habits die hard!!  

One Comment

  1. Bad habits die hard! Yes, they do. And quit beating yourself up about it, Marie. Concentrate on the ones you did NOT smoke……not the one or two little measly ones that you did smoke. You’re doing good.

    Tell your beautiful son, Matt, that his card brought a good smile to me today. I had my first day of my last round of chemo today. Was feeling pretty low, and when I got home, Peter checked the mail and brought me yours and Tony’s card, and Matt’s. Be sure to tell him thanks for me. I know Christmas is not one of your favorite days. It usually is a good time for me, but not this year. I’ll be so glad when the end of Jan. gets here. I’ll be finished with chemo and radiation, and sometimes in Feb. they will do some more CT scans, and then I’ll find out if/how much good all of this did. I’m trying to stay hopeful, and the doctors talk a good talk, but sometimes I think they may just be blowing smoke, you know? I’m being negative tonight. Don’t mind me.
    It’s like 70 degrees here for the past couple of days. I’ve got the a/c on, believe it or not. Ready for some cold weather.
    Take care. Love you guys!

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