It’s Been a Long Time

Posted by on Nov 29, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

I remember writing the last post about the movie Caterpillar.  It seems like ages ago.  My whole world has been shattered... there is an emptiness and my heart aches.  Matthew passed away... he died on March 17 2012.... some eight months ago. Tony said last night that he thinks I've done exceptionally well... but that I am extra fragile.  Some days are good... some days I feel totally lost and paralyzed.... most days I put forth effort and make it through. I try to remember what Susan told me.... "heart follows hands".... just do even if you don't feel like it and eventually the joy will come around.  It works mostly. I've been wanting to write again in this journal... writing is therapeutic for me... it has taken this long to summon the "whatever" to even try. Matthew created this website for me.  It is attached to his website "".  I fear that I will run into technical problems and he is not here to help me.  But I see where each month my credit card is charged to keep this site running so that is a little impetus to get me started writing again. Not sure if I want these entries to be public or private.  I'll probably choose public.... who reads them anyway!  Maybe I'll write them to Matthew.  It'll be like having a conversation with him... catching him up with what's going on.... like writing a letter to someone who is far away.  I'll write to keep him close to me.  I have memories... pictures of him... sometimes it is too painful to remember.  I've thought about putting the pictures away... sometimes I have to block thoughts... tell myself "don't go there"... and if I do go there...  and the memories are too raw.... Matthew reminds me that all is good.  Matthew tells me... "Mom, it's ok"  ..... and those three words sustain me... ease the pain... reminds me that he is always with me.... close to me and in my heart. I'm up early this morning... Mama woke me up... I heard her down stairs whining, shivering as she wanders around.  She forgets where her bed is... so I go down and put her back to bed...  then decided to take advantage of the quiet.  Actually it's pretty quiet here all day long but I get busy with things around the house... my "projects" to keep me occupied... I really don't sit much.  Ask Hiro Puppy.  I feel guilty that I'm not holding him like 24 hours a day...  but I'm always feeling guilty about something... I have gone easy on myself though... even the "guilt" is overshadowed by grief.   It's like the grief blunts and dulls everything else... there is not much enthusiasm for anything... but I know that will come back eventually.  My whole life will come back... but it'll be different... changed. Matthew, a few months before he died, told me.. just out of the blue... "when I'm gone, you can start living your life again."   I remember him saying that to me... and to honor him, I will live my life again... maybe I will even feel whole... complete... but at this point I can't imagine that.  There is this emptiness... my heart is broken... a sadness that surrounds me.  But that's ok.... that is how it's supposed to be... when you've loved someone so very much... it's the opposite of that coin  "joy/sorrow". I'm gonna try and have a good day today.  I'm meeting Bill and we're going to walk around Pioneer Square... check out all the art galleries there and have lunch.  Just yesterday I wanted to call him and say that I just didn't feel like going.  Sometimes it's like it takes too much effort to do anything... but I know this will be good for me... and I actually do feel a little excited.   Just wanted to see if I remembered how to upload a picture.  I did it Matthew!!  I love you and miss you!

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