Every Day the Same

Posted by on Dec 17, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

It's after 10:00 pm... I'm in bed.  Hiro Puppy is in his little bed in my bed.  Tony's in another bedroom sleeping.   Mama is walking around whining and moaning some downstairs.  In a little while I'll go downstairs and put her back in bed.  I gave her an extra half of her anxiety medicine just before getting her into bed.  Need to take her to her doctor sometime soon... to discuss her general condition and the fact that the anxiety pills aren't working all that great... at least some of the time.  I can give it to her and three hours later she is still whining and moaning... it drives Tony crazy and eventually pushes me to the breaking point.  It's the same every day, every night. Most days I find things to do that keep my mind occupied.  They may not be very important things but I can focus on cleaning or cooking or knitting or reading or planning our trip to Germany... and I'm ok.  I sometimes think all is good but then I'll think of Matthew and it hits me all over again. ... especially this time of night when it's quiet.  I look at his picture on the table beside my bed and my heart sinks and I choke up.  Sometimes I'll show Matthew's picture to Hiro Puppy and he seems to know it is Matthew and he too, has a sad look in his eyes.  He may have the sad look cause of my crying.  I don't know what either of us would do (Tony or me) if we didn't have Hiro Puppy.   Some may think it is silly but that's ok.  Tony, Matthew and I love that little dog to the ends of the earth.  He brings such joy. Today I got the idea to make pralines.  Trying to think of something handmade that I can give to Sandi and Theresa to let them know how much I appreciate their caring for mama so I can get out.   Made two batches of pralines and some roasted pecans.... I think I'm gonna  get little baskets and fill them with food items made of pecans.  I kind of like that idea.  Even that little project gets me focused on something so I don't just stand still and get paralyzed. Now it's been 8 months since Matthew died.  I suppose we are carrying on ok.  I take a  six week grieving class at a local hospital starting in January.  I'm looking forward to that.  I feel like I'm tip toeing around trying not to awaken the grief... sometimes I'll start to think of Matthew and his death... I immediately catch myself and say "no, no, no.... don't go there."  God does it hurt. Cissy and Liz will be here Sunday.  They are coming for Christmas as Ted has to work.  I'm glad Tony and I won't be alone this year. I guess that is about it. I'll pick up the knitting now.  I'm making dish clothes for Cissy and Ted for Christmas.  And I'm listening to a book on tape while I knit.  Who would have thought  this activity is a highlight of my day. ... listening to a book to keep my mind busy and knitting to keep my hands busy. I take melatonin every night to help me sleep.... that... and staying up till almost midnight does help me sleep most nights.  

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