Playing with my Mind

Posted by on Dec 23, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

I'm up early... Mama slept all night so I slept good too.  Woke up before 6:00 am and decided to make coffee, sit in bed, listen to music and knit.  I'm knitting dish cloths.... it's pretty mindless, but keeps the hands busy, and I have something useful to show for my work.  It has been an essential part of how I get through the days. My sister and niece arrive later today.  They are spending the week of Christmas with us.  Tony's sister wanted us to come home but I just cannot take Mama home... not now... probably never.  She gets really anxious when away from our house... her home now.  Anyway... Tony and I are glad not to be alone this Christmas.  I know  the holidays are hard when you've lost a loved one, especially during that first year. Tony said the other day that he was gonna tell himself that Christmas is just another day in order to get through it.  I'm gonna do the same thing.... don't want to conjure up any warm and fuzzy feelings...  it won't ever be the same anymore.  Matthew did love Christmas... I wish I had saved his small artificial tree that is already decorated with lights... so that when you pull it out of the box and plug it in... bingo... instantly ready for the holidays.  Matthew also loved to buy gifts for his friends especially.  A couple of years ago I helped him address envelopes and he sent out christmas cards.  I still have ours.  It's a beautiful oriental looking picture and on the inside Matthew wrote:  Dear Mom and Dad,  I can't express how much I'm blessed to have ya'll as parents in this small of a space.  I love you both.  I think if any good has come out of the cancer ordeal is it made us stronger and more determined.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Love, Matthew. I use this card as a bookmarker now.  I look at it most every night.  I see his handwritten signature... that is my Matthew. Matthew's last Christmas was a good one.  He wrote as much on Facebook... and complimented me on the dinner. I'm starting to cry so I'll stop thinking off last Christmas.  I'll  be excited about Cissy and Liz coming... enjoy their company... We are going to the Pacific Ocean for two days after christmas day... stay at the Kalalach Lodge right on the ocean.  That will help... to do something different.

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