Posted by on Mar 13, 2013 in Journal | 0 comments

I actually wrote this more than a week ago... but didn't make it public till March 13, 2013... my birthday... ******* Matthew has (I probably should have said "had" but it hurts so much sometimes to remember Matthew in the past) a folder in his website GimpGuy.com called "Ramblings of a Disabled Geek"...  He had just revamped his website... completely redoing it.  He didn't (there is that "past tense word again"  have time to start filling it with his ramblings.  I had told him to start writing in it but it just never happened... too much bad stuff going on most of the time.  But he did have one "Rambling" that was from his heart and gut.. and directed at me his mom.  I cried when I first read it... it still touches me... as it is authentic Matthew... real... as only Matthew could express his feelings. And so I am... this particular day... gonna ramble on for a while.  Don't know why I don't do it regularly cause I know it is good therapy for me to write out my feelings.  But to be honest.. I haven't "felt" like much this whole past year.  I do so run on feelings... just hardwired that way... but I have tried very hard to remember something a friend told me... "heart follows hands".... just do it anyway and your heart will catch up.  It has worked more often than not... but sometimes I feel just so lost that not anything can help except ride it out... those feelings don't last too long... thank goodness. What has been my saving this past year are my "projects".  I'll get inspired and motivated to do something and I seem to do ok until that project is finished.  Some of my projects: Ripped up carpet in the living room and we put in wood floors... unfinished planks of wood stained a very dark "coffee" color.  Redid the whole living room actually... new leather furniture that is actually comfortable... new curtains... new pictures (recycled from other rooms in the house)... painted the walls and the ceiling. Actually I have painted the walls and ceilings in every room of the house except for our bedroom downstairs that is now Mama's room.  The only thing I've done in that room is rip up the carpet and stapled down waterproof carpet pad... that's because Mama pees and poos on the floor... mostly in her bedroom... doesn't matter that there is a portable potty chair... she has peed right beside it!   Mama hasn't noticed the carpet being gone... actually she has.  She once said the floor was a pretty color. My very first project was to put up a grouping of pictures at the foot of the stairs... I see it every time I come down the stairs... it's my "memorial" for Matthew.... two canvas photos of balloons rising in the air above the tree tops (from both celebration/memorial get togethers we had... in our back had and at Linda's house)... also the most recent picture of Matthew that Tony captured on his cell phone.  We had gone out to eat after one of his doctor appointments... and a Kahil Gibran quote about death... "and what is to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides so it mayrise unfettered and seek the face of God". Other projects... new and expensive quartz counter top in the kitchen that led to staining the cabinets a dark coffee color... printing out pictures for the walls... in the end there is a "bird" theme.  I have bird nests displayed on the walls, bird feathers, bird pictures, bird stenciling.  It reminds me of how Matthew once said he wished he had wings so he would never have to use his legs cause of the pain. I put together lots of groupings of special moments on the walls... I have my south african wall, my bird wall, my driftwood/ocean wall.  I have used Matthew's books to make little tables... have found special places for some of his pictures and moments. Soon after Matthew died (oh how it hurts to use that word)... Cissy came up and we (along with Tony) created a Japanese garden in honor of Matthew and his love for all things Japanese.  It turned out beautiful... thanks to my master gardener's ideas and Tony's help with the actual labor. I replanted flower beds last summer in both the front and back yard.  What "good" days those were.  Mama would sit on the porch all day while I worked in the yard. Now it is cold and raining... although winter is almost over. It's the time of year when I start longing for warm, sunny days.  Every now and then we'll have a beautiful blue sky day and I've weeded flower beds in the front... feels good to be outside when that happens. For the most part I'm stuck in the house... can't really go anywhere, even walk the dogs, unless there is someone with Mama.  This winter my little projects have sustained me... I've knitted a throw for my mom (finished the one I started last year when Matthew was in the hospital.  I remember sitting by his bed in the ICU after his surgery... in the middle of the night... quietly knitting and keeping watch over Matthew.)  I also knitted dish clothes for  christmas gifts.  Now I've started a shawl... I pick it up when the mood hits I've also been reading a lot... at first my new library on grieving...  The Book of the Dead... an account of a man's near death experience... then on to fiction... and recently have just finished two books by holocaust victims.  I've helped plan our itinerary to Netherlands, Belgium, and Germany this summer.  My enthusiasm about the trip waxes and wanes. I've also planned another short trip for Tony and me.... we are going to Fairbanks in hopes of seeing the aurora borealis... we will be there on March 17... the day of Matthew's death.  We both felt a need to get away for that date... like we went to Canada a day or two after Matthew died.  Looking forward to being with Tony with no distractions... just coming together to remember our son... to grieve together... and hopefully to see those beautiful heavenly lights! I've gone on and on and still haven't touched on my current state of being.  I'm depressed... horribly depressed.  It comes and goes and I find little projects that help... that is until my little project is finished.  It's not depressed cause of Matthew.... when I'm down... I don't really think of Matthew... I just feel nothing.  I know it has to do with caring for Mama.  I feel kind of like a prisoner at home... all day I hardly speak out loud till Tony comes home... Mama sleeps into the afternoons but I can't leave even to take the dogs for a walk cause who knows when she will get up... and first thing needs to use the bathroom. ***** That's all I got around to the other night when I wrote this page.

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