And What Do I Do Now…

Posted by on Sep 30, 2014 in Journal | 0 comments

The little word "DO" is the problem.   A lot of the time I do not know what to "do"…. instead I feel lost, paralyzed, stuck… and the list could go on.  I'm not sure most people understand what I mean when I say I feel "paralyzed"… but I know it is an accurate word cause I've heard people from the grief support group use the same word to describe themselves. It has been almost two years since Matthew died… about four months since my mom died.   I was concerned how I would do after Mama died… after Matthew's death I still had my mom to care for… and although emotionally I was not "present" somewhat and dealing with that same "paralyzed" feeling… I still had to physically take care of my mom. I  thought I was doing pretty good right after my mom died…  I had my projects… well, one big project… redoing the downstairs bedroom that had been my mom's for the last three and a half years.  After finishing that  the paralyzed feeling set in… I would tell myself to keep busy… "heart follows hands"… but what to do when my mind feels completely disengaged… when it feels overwhelming just to think and make a decision about what to do…. when all I really want to do is lay on the couch like it was a womb. The above was written in February of 2014...

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