"And I have felt a presence that disturbs me with the joy "

"Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime Of something far more deeply interfused, Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns, And the round ocean, and the living air, And the blue sky, and in the mind of man, A motion and a spirit, that impels All thinking things, all objects of all thought, And rolls through all things. From Lines Written A Few Miles Above the Tintern Abbey..." -William Wordsworth

The New Hobbit Movie and Other Stuff

Posted on Dec 12, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

I was at the book store the other day and saw lots of Hobbit books and display... along with little stuffed characters from a new Hobbit movie that premieres the middle of December.  I immediately thought of Matthew... he loved the first Hobbit movie.  He used to go with his friends to the very first showing at midnight of special movies.... Continued on Wed night, Dec 12... I think.  To be honest all the days run together.  I can't keep up with the dates... the only day of the month that I'm aware of is the 17th.... the day in March that Matthew died.   Matthew died.... it's like a punch to the stomach... a shock to my brain,  my heart sinks, and I cry. Read More

Pioneer Square

Posted on Nov 29, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

Today I got my "mama sitter"... and I met up with Bill and we went to Pioneer Square... the oldest part of Seattle.... there are lots of art galleries there.  So we were gonna explore some of them. I had a great time... glad I didn't talk myself out of going yesterday. We visited several galleries including: 1000 Museums... they print qualities of some of the most famous pictures from galleries around the world.  Talked about copyright issues and such... interesting.  Saw a picture I liked of lots of houses with snow piled high on the roofs.  You had to look to see the houses... pretty neat I thought. Next we visited Art Wolfe's gallery... I met Libby, whom I've heard about from Bill.  I saw the very artsy table Bill made for his studio.  I have to say I was inspired to do photography after seeing some of Art's amazing work.  Got to hear about the  inner workings of how some of his pictures came together... I especially liked a beautiful print of rice paddies in China.  It was taken from a hill above the rice paddies... the light was beautiful... and the picture was almost abstract like.  Just gorgeous! Read More

It’s Been a Long Time

Posted on Nov 29, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

I remember writing the last post about the movie Caterpillar.  It seems like ages ago.  My whole world has been shattered... there is an emptiness and my heart aches.  Matthew passed away... he died on March 17 2012.... some eight months ago. Tony said last night that he thinks I've done exceptionally well... but that I am extra fragile.  Some days are good... some days I feel totally lost and paralyzed.... most days I put forth effort and make it through. I try to remember what Susan told me.... "heart follows hands".... just do even if you don't feel like it and eventually the joy will come around.  It works mostly. Read More

Caterpillar… a Japanese movie

Posted on Feb 18, 2012 in Journal | 1 comment

This week... actually the whole month of January has not been good.  Matthew is "punch drunk" from off the chart pain and side affects from new pain meds.  I am running on fumes... and Mama continues to whine and moan and groan and wants to go home.  Tony is good though... he is always good... my rock! Last night I stayed up late... found a movie that interested me on the instant netflix... a foreign movie which meant that I couldn't do anything but watch cause I had to read the subtitles.  Caterpillar is a movie about a young couple in the 1940's... during Japan's war with China and  the country's involvement with the US in WWII.  The husband goes off to battle  and comes home without his arms, legs, can't hear and can't speak... but he is a war hero.  The wife is initially shocked but settles into her role as caregiver.... being told by all that it is her duty to her country.  The movie has lots of themes but the one that resonated with me last night was the raw honesty and emotion that the wife experienced as she "lost it" occasionally while caring for her war hero husband. I hate it when "I lose it"  and I've been doing that a lot lately.    Reminds me of times when Matthew was  a baby/toddler/little kid... when I reached the end of my ropes and occasionally exploded in front of him....  boy... do I ever feel guilty over that.... and now it's that same feeling... only this time it's my mom.   Read More

Heart Follows Hand

Posted on Feb 9, 2012 in Journal | 0 comments

Heart follows hand.... that little bit of wisdom is about to go on the refrigerator  to remind me that even though I don't "feel" like doing what is good for me... to just do it anyway... just do it... instead of sinking into a "mood"  or feeling paralyzed ... just do what my gut tells me is good....   Thank you Susan for the pep talk this morning!! Christmas was good.... the weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with those warm fuzzy feelings of contentment.... busy with little craft projects... I even enjoyed  dressing up the house for  the holidays... although I can't get into the Christmas spirit, I  told myself the theme was "winter time".... which worked!!!    I was mindful of the winter solstice on Dec 21 which is the longest night of the year and the beginning of the winter season.  Now until  the summer solstice in June, our days will grow longer.... things to look forward to.   That's not to say that there is nothing about winter time to hearten the soul. I didn't finish but the wisdom is there. Read More